Switcheroo

 
It's an odd thing, going from slowly dying to not dying.
Slowly dying of something that is so new, 
no one knows what to do with you, for you, how to help you.
I guess you never know how you will feel until you're in that place.

Dying feels like you just can't. Can't think about your own feelings, 
other people's feelings, how you are going to get through the day,
what day it is, who needs to eat, have you eaten, can you shower,
have you gone to the bathroom, when did you last eat, when did 
you last go to the bathroom, how can you possibly walk to the mailbox,
what bills are in the mailbox, do bills even matter, how will you pay
the bills, what is the point of mailboxes, what is the point of anything.

And then...

And THEN.

Living. Living? I'm still wrapping my head around this.
I have the space to think about my feelings, but they are confusing,
I still don't have space for other people's feelings, 
I feel like people want a piece of me after so long, but I don't
even have a piece of me yet. I'm grateful that I have been missed.
But how do I find myself after being out of my own body, mind, soul for so long?
How do I integrate all of those pieces back together? Were they even
together before? How do I solidify myself to be the person
that people deserve? That I deserve?

My husband has a cold. My daughter is afraid she gave it to him.
She is AFRAID. She cried. She thinks that he will get as sick as I 
have been. I said he just has a cold, and if it's worse, we'll
get him to a doctor. "Who will take care of us?" she asked.
My heart broke (again, again, again).
"I will." She looked unconvinced. "I will." I said again.
She looked at me, tears in her big blue eyes. 
I stared into her eyes, not blinking when I said this to her.
This is my new thing, if I don't blink, it means I really feel something, 
something true. I guess it's my new poker "tell"
for myself, knowing how I really feel when I 
am talking to someone, trying to convince them
(and myself) of something.

So we are all in this weird and strange place,
tentatively excited, but not truly believing.
I believe, but everyone else is still hesitant.
I guess I am hesitant too. 
I have mandatory naps, rest times, it's just the 4 of us
for the next few weeks, ​It's a huge step, not needing
help from all of our families every day.

No one is pushing me, even though we're on vacation.
​Except pushing me to rest, relax, recharge. 
​So I will do that, and see what comes next.
I see good things ahead, of course. I just don't
know the path yet, but I know I will find my way.
I've fought so hard to get to this point, so the 
next leap should be gravy. I want to pay it forward,
I am paying it forward. More on that exciting news soon.
The synchronicity of life is carrying me onward,
and it feels so valuable and precious.