I Get Tired of Being a Bummer

​I wish I could speed up my healing.
I good friend Lynn always tells me that I was sick for a long time
so it will take me a long time to heal.

But. 

I get tired of being tired.
I get tired of whining all the time.
I get tired of feeling sick every day. 
I get tired of trying new drugs, new treatments, the amounts, the dosages, trying to find the magic balance.
I get tired to trying to figure out which symptom is from which disease that I have.
I get tired of having to depend on other people all the time.
I get tired of having to take baths instead of showers, to soak my aching body in epsom salts.
I get tired of reading and listening to books about being groundless, being in-between, and accepting it.
I get tired of constantly trying to surrender to where I am in each moment. 
I get tired of continuing to uncover more about myself, which means more work I need to do on myself.
I get tired of not being able to be show up for those that I love in ways that they deserve.
I get tired of being in quarantine all the time.
I get tired of knowing that I worry those that I love. 
I get tired of having to make decisions about my children's safety, which means we are always at home.
I get tired of never leaving the house.
I get tired of COVID. 
I get tired of the daily ups and downs, never knowing when I'm going to have an anxiety attack. 
I get tired of how unpredictable my body continues to be, no matter how I try to support it.
I get tired of being abandoned by my government when I am at my most vulnerable.
I get tired of having a disease that is so new, no one knows what to do with me. 
I get tired of all the doctor appointments, therapy appointments, speech therapy appointments, physical therapy appointments, MRI appointments, CT scan appointments. 
I get tired of seeing how my illnesses impact my family that I love so dearly.
I get tired of being hard on myself.
I get tired of being disappointed in people that I thought were my forever people.
I get tired of not sleeping.
I get tired of being scary underweight.
I get tired of not being able to eat the things I love (cheeeeese)
I get tired of days without sun.
I get tired of seeing the life I had, the person I was, and the person I am now.
I get tired of constantly reflecting on my past. 
I get tired of crying. 
I get tired of not being able to find my gratitude.
I get tired of feeling like I am always disappointing people.
I get tired of trying. 
I get tired about being afraid about my future. Will I have a future?

I am tired.