Don't Fix It

​I've always been in a hurry.
Well, maybe since we moved to Oregon, to the suburbs,
where the life pathways are written for you much like the sidewalks.
Clean, white, with direction, showing you exactly which next step to take.
So there is an expectation that you will follow your sidewalk.
I guess I've always been what the world wanted me to be.
So I hurried to go to school, got to band class, got to drama class, got to college, 
had relationships, bought a house, etc.
And worked, worked, worked. And worked.
I think the first real choice I made without caring of other's expectations
was when I married Mike. And had our 2 babies.
But the rest of it wasn't for me.
Living in Oregon, having respectable jobs, being "respectable"....
it took a lot of my energy.
I used to tell everyone that I lived my life in 15-minute increments.
Being on-call 24/7 will do that to you. 
If there was a problem, or a friendship issue, or someone needed something,
(even if it was people that I knew deep down weren't truly my people) 
I would fix it. I would work harder. If I hurried and worked harder, 
everything would work out. Right? Right?
It turns out, none of that is true. 
It finally took getting sick and having all of my identities stripped away
to stop hurrying.
And once I did that, I realized...
When I hurry myself, I take away from other’s divine timing too. 
So instead of fixing, instead of hurrying, 
I get quiet.
I wait.
I stand in muddy water, and let the detritus settle to the bottom,
so I can see my bare, clean feet, 
and then I take a look at what I see in front of me, behind me, above me.
And while I've taken that time, maybe things have shifted on their own.
Or maybe I've figured something out.
Or maybe I haven't figured anything out and need to go in another direction.
But I realize how much my ego is involved in what expectations I set for myself,
for others,
and that I don't control those things. I cannot. It's not fair to anyone.
So I won't. 
My life has shifted again, and I'm heading in a new direction,
one that I've picked just for me. 
Now I'm just going to take care of myself,
and let the divine timing do the rest for those around me.