Defensible Space

I have a lot to say
and I have nothing to say.
There are times in my life that I don't wan to to talk about
or I can't find the words.
A lot has happened
lots of good things
some hard things
some wonderful things.
I left Oregon 2 months ago 
​after living there since 1989
and now live somewhere warm.
I think this is the biggest, bravest thing I have ever done.
We did it. 
​As a family. 
Leaving was hard, hard to know where to put my energy,
having to make choices between having emotions
or driving south.
Processing feelings or going back to Mexico for another treatment.
We decided to just go South and see if that would help my symptoms.
Somewhere peaceful, safe, quiet.
I like the solitude, the sound of the birds, the peaceful mornings 
walking the dog
before the sun comes up over the mountain
with it's beams of light streaming upward
before the crown of the sun peeks over.
I like the evening sunsets, 
the way the palm trees look like they have
diamonds on their tips
as the sun sets behind them
and the wind blows the diamonds
they look like fireworks
and then the darkness comes. 
How do you settle into a completely new life?
How do you let go of the guilt?
I don't know how to feel my feelings yet,
the good ones and the hard ones. 
It's kind of like hanging upside down
and seeing things from a different perspective.
​I will keep hanging here.
I am grateful for a new perspective
and the sun that slowly simmers healing into my body.