There are many types of addictions we humans must carry;
chemical, behavioral, the reward system, cravings, TV, sex,
Facebook, control. We are products of our upbringing, of
who we are born as, of our harshest moments, of our situations.
It's not our fault.
We all have many addictive behaviors, all that dopamine
reinforcing your brain's actions, driving you to seek out
what gives you pleasure, even if it causes harm.
I have my own addictive tendencies (I used to revel
in stalking and finding other people's spelling errors,
before I lost my brain, that was a lesson, thank you very
I have to watch my workaholic impulses, it scares me
daily that I will slide backwards and forget that "work"
doesn't matter, doesn't have priority over all the other
wonderful things in life. Family, living, breathing, being.
My addiction to control is a lesson that I get to learn
over, and over, and over in this lifetime. I know I have
none, rationally. But, there is this little niggling feeling that
I still have control, even though I keep learning the opposite
in sometimes brutal situations.
Over, and over and over. And over. I'll have a PhD in
You Have No Control by the time I exit this human uniform.
I've had people with various addictive propensities in my life.
I love them all, we are all flawed. But the one type of
addictive personalities that has caused me the most harm,
are those that are addicted to their secrets. In LOVE with their secrets.
They covet and create more, and more, a gossamer web of distortion.
I don't know if this type of addiction has a definition, or is a
"real thing", cursory glances at a few books doesn't say much
But, I am recognizing a pattern in people that I sometimes
attract. Maybe it's who I am, maybe it's because I'm a bit of
an innocent, but I've had enough people come through my
doorway seeming to be one person, but then showing a penchant
for hooey, fabrication, fiction. Some have been blatant
about letting me stumble upon their secrets, wanting me to
find them. Hiding everything in plain sight. Waiting, watching,
probably getting high off of my reaction.
I guess it's called Gaslighting (this term is based on a most
excellent film from 1944 starring Ingrid Bergman, worth watching).
Knowing that I will flounder in that direction, will make a discovery that
will cause me to hurt, and there they were anticipating and observing,
it makes me sad. And skeeves me out. Knowing that they were not
doing right by me, on purpose. From the very beginning.
I see this now. Another hard earned lesson, painful, but I have
gratitude that I am able to detect it and examine it nowadays.
And so, as I raise 2 tiny humans and hope to help them
become good, kind, helping, humble bigger humans, and as I reflect
on my lessons learned in my few years on this earth,
our small family now talks about the 2 most important things we share.
Love, and Truth.
Because you can't have either without the other.
Maybe this is a double negative. And I don't care.
Check my grammatical errors, I dare you. :)