I have a lot to say, a lot to process.
I don't know where to start.
It has been a hard week, but a good week.
We tried camping with my side of the family,
and all awoke to rain at 2:30 in the morning,
so we ended up at my Mom's beach house.
Normally, I cannot handle change,
it is hard on my mental health.
Even little changes throw me off,
it's been frustrating.
But I did ok with plan B,
I just wanted a normal weekend
with my sister, her husband,
my niece and nephew.
And I got it, just not the way I thought it would look like.
It was wonderful. To be able to step into the
role of being the aunt that the kids deserve.
It doesn't sound like much, but it is a
HUGE deal to me.
A few months ago, being around that level
of happy chaos would have put me into
the anxiety attack spiral that would throw
me into a encephalitis migraine, all my symptoms
would wake up, and I'd
be back in bed, in the dark for a week.
But not this time.
I'm working on listening to my body,
trying to understand its natural rhythm.
And what I'm learning, is that it is very slow.
I'm learning that I take on too much,
to the detriment of myself, which impacts my family.
And myself, I guess. I'm not good at putting myself first.
I don't like doing too much, having too much to do,
being over-scheduled, I can have 1 activity a day.
The stressors of life that we are all dealing with,
virus, vaccine, mask, lockdowns,
these giant divides between us all,
I FEEL IT, the uncertainty, the anger, it is so overwhelming,
it makes me not want to leave the house.
I can feel people looking at me as I wear my mask everywhere,
assuming that I'm an unvaccinated hippy who doesn't believe
this virus exists, or I'm trying to prove some kind of point.
Not that I'm immunocompromised, and cannot afford to get sick.
I do not have the choices that others get to have.
It is frustrating to see, to feel.
I still have rampant anxiety,
I'm still having to take medication for it during the day and at night.
I feel weak having to take medication to calm myself.
But this is where I am at. My body is so messed up,
it cannot calm itself.
I have what they call "co-morbidities",
Epstein Barr Virus, Fibromyalgia, and Long-Covid.
I don't know how all of these play into the anxiety,
and I don't like thinking of the amount of time
I spend trying to dissect which disease is causing what symptom.
It's really annoying, I really dislike it.
It was the New Moon the other night,
so I pulled an animal medicine card
to help give me direction for the next month.
The card I pulled was the Bat, which is funny,
since this was the one thing in the world
my Dad was afraid of. I remember my Aunt Dot
teasing my Dad when we saw a bat, she named him
"Chippy the Bat" and made us all laugh so hard.
I still call them all Chippy.
The Bat signifies rebirth,
bathed in the mystery of Mesoamerican tribal ritual,
they tell the legend of the Bat.
It has been cherished and worshipped as
medicine of the Aztec, Toltec, Tolucan and Mayan peoples.
It signifies shamanic death and rebirth.
I think that I have been going through my own process
of death and rebirth, the process of being totally stripped of ego,
all that I thought I was, and having to fall back
on humility and determination.
To say it has been a hard process...does not do this experience justice.
But I don't have the words.
I told my sister about the card, and she said:
"I was glad to read that since it is about transitions.
Bat is here to make this change as smooth as possible
and ease you through any associated pain."
So, I have that going for me.
I'm going to sit outside tonight at dusk,
and watch the bats awaken. And think on this time
of metamorphosis, and of all those who keep
these ancient teachings alive and accessible,
and all we can learn
from the animal kingdom that surrounds us.
I am so grateful.